I think my problem is that I have no focus whatsoever.  One week, I feel like art is my passion - I want to create this, make that, etc. etc. etc.  The next week, I’m getting back into writing and churn out dozens of pages within an hour.  And yet another week passes and I’m experimenting with food, composing shitty theme songs on my piano, learning Chinese, doing this and that and never really accomplishing anything.

I’ve had several amazingly satisfying dreams and never had the will to write it out and now they’re just sort of distant memories.  Every time I want to start something, it’s nearly impossible for me to see it through.  It’s like I get interested in something else and just abandon my old projects.

I’ve really got to work on this.

I haven’t been able to post or comment anyone lately, mainly because I’ve been extremely busy.  I also crashed my car into a stupid pole thing when I was entering the parking lot to see The Dark Knight.

Anyways, here’s just a quick update because I had a horrendous nightmare yesterday.

Here it is:

It started off with my sister and I wandering around the movie theater’s like we usually do after we finished seeing a movie. We had just gotten out of The Dark Knight and we were looking to see what second movie we wanted to sneak into.

We accidentally walked into another theater that was showing The Dark Knight, thinking that it was going to be some happy chick flick, but then we decided that it’d be fine to see it again.

When we walked in, we were surprised because the theater was huge. It must have spanned at least 10 stories and the back wall was completely vertical with balcony seats. There were people all around, shouting and cheering for the movie to start.

Before it started, some announcer guy suddenly said “And here’s Christian Bale!” and I turned to my sister and was like “OMG WE GET TO SEE CHRISTIAN BALE!!”

Christian Bale came out and started talking about some mumble jumble that I can’t remember now. He was speaking in his natural accent, then suddenly hit on some girl that was cheering near him. I think he was drunk.

Then suddenly, something hit the people around us and everyone just started bleeding and dying. There was sudden chaos all around the theater and people were screaming, running, falling, bleeding. We ran out and saw that it was everywhere. I don’t know what was happening, but it seemed like a massacre. Blood was everywhere. Dripping down the walls, shooting out of decapitated bodies. People were getting sliced all around.

I don’t know what happened to my sister, but I ran out of the theater as fast as I could, looking for a place to hide, but whatever it was in the theater had followed me.

And suddenly, I was a rat, running around, looking for a hiding spot.

At the end, what was at the theater were really “bad rats” with teeth that looked like they belonged on a barracuda. One killed me, but then I looked around and apparently, it was just part of a virtual reality movie.

Shen-Shen tagged me

Eight Things I Have A Passion For:
1. Reeses Pieces Peanut Butter Cup Perfection (from Cold Stones)
2. H&M
3. Expensive shoes that I’ll be able to afford later on in life when I’m rich and will buy 10 pairs of just to show those stupid expensive stores that I’m better than them.
4. Or, you know, just shoes in general
5. Colorful, sparkly, and attractive things.
6. The human body
7. The human mind
8. Robert Downing Jr. (at the moment)

Eight Things I Would Like To Do Before I Die:
1. Make out with RDJ
2. Be on the cover of a magazine
3. Join the mile high club (taking this from Shen since who doesn’t want to join the mile high club?)
4. Learn how to effectively kick someone’s ass
5. Buy out BCBG
6. Become a successful doctor
7. Meet James Marsters and have him give me the Spike accent.
8. Learn how to surf

Eight Things I Say A Lot:
1. “No, YOU!”
2. “[insert ambiguous sexual innuendo in which I was unaware of] … why are you laughing? What’s so funny? OMG I DIDN’T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!”
3. “That’s what she said.”
4. “STFU and GTFO.” Okay, so it’s mostly on the internet, but still.
5. I really can’t think of anything else =/
6. “Don’t talk to me.”
7. “Your face!”
8. “Hey, hey, you, you…”

Eight Books I Have Read Recently:
1. I am America (and So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert
2. Crime and Punishment by Dostoevsky
3. Don Quixote by Cervantes
4. All the rest of my Lit Hum Curriculum
5. Some of the Gossip Girl series just cuz
6.
7. Seriously, I don’t read much anymore.
8. At least, you know, for fun…

Eight Movies I Have Seen Eight Times:
1. Grease
2. Clueless
3. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
4. Stardust
5. Iron Man
6. Lucky Number Slevin
7. Spiderman
8. American Beauty

Eight Bloggers I’ll Tag:
1. I don’t know eight bloggers

———

Anyways, that said. I had a scary dream last night:

I was in a lecture and apparently, was failing out of Lunar Studies. I was studying extra hard to do well in my classes, so I was reading up about someone named Darwin who studied wolves. He injected them with something to see their reaction and apparently killed his wife who was a very smart woman. Halfway through my studying, I suddenly became his wife and experienced what had happened to her.

Darwin had a separate wing of the house that I wasn’t allowed to enter. That’s where he kept the wolves. Apparently, I would sneak in there and play with the wolves, taking them to the roof. When I learned about what he was going to do to them, I decided to try and stop him. I undid his regular knots and hid the wolves somewhere else, tying them up in a way that he wouldn’t be able to undo. Then, suddenly, I heard his voice and his steps walking around in the wing and knew I had to hide. The house was dark and I had to be incredibly silent, sneaking around, praying that he didn’t hear me. The thing is, even though I had become his wife, I still knew what was going to happen to her and kept telling myself to snap out of it because I didn’t want to experience getting killed. It was the scariest dream of my life.

And suddenly, I was yanked out of it and back at school, but this time, was entering into some boy trouble. Apparently, I was in love with this one boy, but was dating another, but the boy I was in love with was about to tell me that he loved me too, when a totally strange boy walked up to me and told me he loved me, and I was like “huh?” The boy I loved overheard him and ran away, and then I saw the boy I was dating, and I was like “I think we can only be friends,” and I was talking to the boy I was dating but he thought I was talking to the strange boy who’d just professed his love to me, but then I was like “No I’m in love with someone else!” and it was all very strange.

Then, I was thrown into America’s Next Top Model with Tyra Banks. Apparently, I was a blonde model named Melissa (lol). They were doing this male-female model thing and paired me up with this one guy who was “waiting for me in the shadows because I was such a sunny girl.” So I had to meet this guy and suddenly, we fell asleep on the sand.

Tyra came to check up on us and literally screamed when she saw me. Then she ran to Jay and was like “SHE HAS FUR ON HER HAIR!!”

I never knew running websites would be such hard work. Voting for the Twilight Awards started yesterday and in 24 hours, I had 60+ vote emails mailed in. And I got even more vote emails today. Voting is supposed to last for three weeks, but at this rate, I think I’ll have to close it in one or two. I also have to count them all, which isn’t all that bad, but is a lot of work. I love that The Twilight Awards are taking off, though. I’m getting almost 1,000 unique visitors per day .

Heartquasm.org is also on a good start. I’m constantly adding content and that takes some time, but I think it should be worth it in a few months or so. I’m looking for affiliates and link exchanges for that site, so if anyone’s interested, tell me!

Hm. My dream last night was inappropriate and therefore is in a private post, but it’s… definitely intriguing.

Let’s see… life is going pretty well. The lady that comes over to cook and clean got locked out of her car the other day and I had to call the locksmith for her (she doesn’t speak much English). He sounded pretty attractive on the phone, but I just wrote it off as a thing and decided he’d probably end up being some old man… yeah, I was wrong. He was pretty hot in real life, too. I’m not usually into redheads, but it definitely worked fro him. And he had this awesome lip piercing which I am totally into… it was nice.

I saw Wanted and The Incredible Hulk yesterday (one of those go see one movie and sneak into another visits). I liked both of them.

Because I decided not to give up heartquasm.org, I decided to turn it into a resource site, which means all the resources here are going to be moving there. I finally have it up and running! I’ve added some stuff, which is good. I’m hoping that this isn’t going to be a complete failure of an idea.

Anyways, visit heartquasm whenever you have a chance. You might find some things that you like.

So, I did my first extensive illustration on Adobe Illustrator CS3!! Check it out:

Yeah, I made it into a layout for heartquasm, but it makes me super-duper excited to have made this all by myself.

Some site updates:

1. Redid my navigation. Resources and such have their own section now.
2. Added some “water” and “cancun” stock photos: here.
3. Added a “swirly line” tutorial: here.
4. Added a Brush Set section: here.
5. And finally, added screencaps of the movie Speak (2004). There’s not that much, just a few captures of Kristen Stewart. You can view it: here.

Other than that, life is pretty monotonous right now. Everyday I get up, cook, go on the computer, walk the dog, feed the dog, realize the dog took a shit on the hardwood, clean that up, get back on the computer, watch a movie, maybe talk to a few friends, then sleep. I hate living in this place. My friends in high school are all about an hour away, so I can’t just up and go “K, I’m gonna go to whoever’s house, Bye!” It’s really frustrating.

I think that’s why I’ve been spending so much time on the internet. On the up side, The Twilight Awards is going well and that makes me sort of happy. I’m not sure how I’m going to be able to keep up with that site after summer ends, though. I’ll probably have to recruit my sister or some staff members. We’ll see.

Anyways, does anyone have any suggestions for the resources section? I don’t really want to be a resource site, but it’d be nice to have some stuff that would be helpful. Especially since I’m thinking about turning heartquasm.org into a resource site - I feel like I should build up a collection of stuff before I transfer everything over.

Hrm.

I had the weirdest, most non-sequential, broken up dream ever last night and now regret not immediately opening up my laptop and writing it down. I don’t remember anything now. It was just too confusing and my mind was too muddled to even begin to describe it, so I thought I’d wait to get my thoughts together and of course, ended up forgetting about it completely.

Anyways. I’m extremely restless right now. I should be writing that story I’ve promised to finish and sort of do want to finish, but I keep getting distracted every time I open the document. So naturally, I decided to write about my desire to… not write.

We have a terrible gnat problem at our house. I think they’ve laid eggs and decided to use our kitchen as a mating ground. For the past two days, I’ve turned the air conditioning down to 55-59 degrees and it seems to be working, but then my mom goes and turns it back up to the 70’s and those annoying buggers come right on back. Thanks Ma.

So I’ve always thought this photo was funny:

I took this while we were - ah shit, a gnat just flew on my arms and I freaked - driving across a bridge and I saw the “No Photos, No Videos” sign and had to take a photo. The funny thing is that as we kept going, there was actually a cop standing a few feet away from the sign. I wanted to get a picture of him with the sign, but my mom was driving too quickly.

And then I found this photo:

This must have been taken years ago, because I don’t shop at Papaya, Rue 21, Forever 21, nor Bebe anymore. I guess I thought it was interesting how my style’s changed so much. Maybe it has to do with growing up, maybe not.

But this reminds me about the galleria trip I took with Deanne, her boyfriend, and Moe last week. We went into Armani Exchange and everything there seemed…unappealing. Is that weird? Armani Exchange used to be one of my favorite stores. I don’t know how to describe it. Usually, when Deanne and I go shopping, we make fun of the ugly/ridiculous things, and go “omgihavetohaveit!” at the awesome things. That day, I remember so much more of the “wtf@that” comments than the “ihavetohaveit” comments.

So I feel better now that I have my Naked “Green Machine knockoff (Bolthouse farms, ftw) and…

THERE IS A FUCKING MOSQUITO IN MY IMMEDIATE VICINITY.

Okay, I have to go and kill this shit now.

Okay, killing is done. My mom says it’s the biting gnats that have been gnawing off my leg for a good part of June, but after that idiot mosquito, I’m beginning to have my doubts. I think we have mosquitos, too. And the “mosquitos hate the scent of lavender” shite? UTTER BULLSHIT. I doused myself and my workspace with lavender mist, scent diffuser, and lotion, and there was a mosquito!

Anyways,… so now that I have my “Green Machine” and my Broadway Beauty & the Beast soundtrack playing, I think I’m set to begin the real writing.

I don’t know why, but I felt the need to kill a snake. My sister and I decided to meet at the dock, each with a snake – one of us had a “python” and another one of us had a “constrictor.” When we were at the dock, it was early in the morning, and we tossed the snakes into the water. They became gigantic and got caught in a hook and died, hanging, with their head close to the water.

After that, I felt guilty for killing the snakes.

Then suddenly, I was in a classroom about to learn about some historical contract for a class. The guys were being noisy and distracting, so the teacher kicked them out. After learning about this historical contract for a few minutes, I left the classroom and found the guys learning it on their own. They had multiplied and decided to act out the different parts of the history, but it was almost as if they were part of the history. Their clothes were all American-revolutionary-like and they were standing near the docks by the water.

Suddenly, a guy who looked a bit like David Boreanaz rushed at me, shouting “I am ensnared by a contract!” and thrust a spear at me, but it missed and went by my side. When he did that, I understood that we had been together and I had done him wrong. He swore “I will not rest until I ensnare you by a contract, too!”

Then he left, but his buddy pushed me into a sandpit. Seconds later, he peered in, tilted his head, and asked “Are you ensnared?” I nodded. Then, he asked “Are you ensnared by a contract?” I shook my head.

He lifted me by the armpits until I was out of the pit, then said to me “I ensnare you in a contract!” and dropped me back into the pit.

Then I woke up.

For a long time, I’ve been harboring negative feelings and hate for the people that annoy and frustrate me and the people who do me wrong. I’ve never thought twice about “shit-talking” others and letting people know just what I thought about them. I picked arguments that couldn’t be won, and even when they were won, really didn’t amount to anything that mattered in the long run. I’ve done things to purposely hurt others, make them feel low, and felt disgustingly satisfied when I succeeded.

Never in the past few years have I felt that this anger inside me was dangerous. I thought I was justified in everything that I said and did. The thing is, I was never a better person by winning a confrontation and I’ve never been happy. Even if that other person was wrong and got what I thought they deserved… it never made me feel fulfilled. It was never enough.

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Last night’s dream started off as if I were “inside” of a Buffy episode. At times, I was the main character, and at other times, I was just a spectator. I think there was some problem, and I just remember running in one direction, telling everybody I saw to go the other way. Everything’s pretty fuzzy, but I remember something turning into a huge, giant-sized scorpion and I needed to invoke another demon that would fight it.

It then turned around to a scene where I was just watching. Spike and Buffy were talking and he was saying “If we met under different circumstances, do you think we would be friends?” and she said “I don’t know,” and then they had a huge make-out session that made me blush and turn away.
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